Saturday, September 25, 2010

Meet the new pornographers...same as the old pornographers

The most important thing gained from experience is confidence.
The most important thing that can be gained is confidence.

Experience costs no money.

The value of what's gained has no price.

English words are tremendously dynamic, don't you think? I was writing some English words the other day. This particular piece of prose continually referred to the "uninformed." The word caught my eye as my fingers danced on toward my next piece of brilliance. I typed the word again...and again in the next sentence. Every time I saw it with no more than a glance, I did not see "uninformed;" I saw "uniformed." I mentioned this to my preferred social network (The quote was, "If you are 'uniformed,' you're really close to 'uninformed.'). Almost instantly, one of my favorite 'friends'/political debaters, and former band director, Mr. P, jumped on my gaffe. And let me exit gracefully, pleading ignorance.

I was simply giggling at the absurdity of the language that allows two words, with such completely different meanings, to have nearly identical spellings.

I think it's tremendously uncooth that one painting can have a worth that is priceless, yet another painting has a price that's worthless.

There's a run-down factory near us that was once...and actually maybe still is...maybe...a chief manufacturer of American dungarees and other old-sounding pants. Anyway, this factory has a big sign out in front that can only be described as 'retro'...because it's SO old. And that sign's red letters read: "Devil Dog."

Every time I drive by, I see the letters in reverse..."goD liveD."

Yes God Lived!! And it's right there on top of that creepy, old factory! I seem to be the only one who thinks this means something.

Band of the Moment:
"The New Pornographers"---the name threw me off at first. But these cats know how to rock! You definitely should check them out.

Jimmy Swaggert apparently once referred to Rock-n-Roll as the "new pornography." Common belief is that this band proudly accepted Mr. Swaggert's interpretation...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sometimes I Stutter When I Wr-Wr-Wr-Write

I don't know if you realized...of course you haven't. You were not privy to the pertinent information. From my vantage point, it's quite clear. Although it will be a little difficult for you to digest my verbiage stew. It can be thick and uncompromising. Yet, it is always worth the effort. At least it is for me. And I am pretty awesome.
Luckily, I am user-friendly!!! Show me a user and I'll show you a friend! The moral of this tangent is for you to know that we will get through this. It will be worthwhile. And I am always at your service.

Back to that thing you hadn't yet realized due to your ignorance. And please--do not be offended that I just called you ignorant. Never has a word been treated so unfairly, so unknowingly wrong, than that ignorant little word, "ignorance." If you do not know the actual definition of the word "ignorance," do not lament your ignorance.

In fact, because you are so ignorant, I went ahead and googled, "ignorance definition," just for you. Then I chose the best one I could find, keeping brevity and conciseness in mind. I present to you, from the annals of : "Ignorance - the condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed."

You haven't been taught or experienced a certain, my friend, are an ignorant son-of-a-gun.

The word itself, ignorant, can be said with a sneer and a waggle of the head.The act of speaking such a word, ig*nor*ant, causes one's face to take on a most non-inviting look, much the same way that saying the word, "cheese" causes the face to smile. Its connotation has become pejorative.

Have you ever wondered what it'd be like if you lived with attention deficit disorder? I can tell you one thing, it's about, huh?....what?

Right. Now that we've established that you're an ignoramus...yes, an "ignoramus" is a very ignorant person. Just like you, the ignoramus is ignorant because ignoramus is unaware.

Think--you are at the cabin in the mountains. Hiking and boating. Swimming and fishing. Eating and drinking. Blissfully unaware. You give a mock complaint about the elusive cell phone signal out here in the middle of nowhere. Isolated from modern life. A full ten days you got this year! And the kids are finally old enough to leave them be in good faith that nothing will blow up and no one will die. You return to civilization, relaxed, refreshed, rejuvenated.

You are unaware of what transpired at the office while you were away. The double-cross and power coup slightly overshadowed the love triangle of Executives. Gleefully you stroll into the office. Someone better educate you! So innocent and uninformed---You truly are an ignorant ignoramus.

I pity the ignoramus...

They also say that ignorance is bliss. Although I find it difficult to quantify bliss, I would agree that the less you know about existence, purpose and fantasy football, the more contented your mind would be. For a real life example, we needn't look any further than feline domesticata--the house cat. If you don't have a cat, just use something don't know...a toaster oven.

My cat forgets where her food bowl is every morning. Her food bowl has been in the same spot for three years. The cat is six; so for half of her life, her food bowl has been in the same spot. Nevertheless, I stumble towards the coffee maker and she jumps under foot. "Lucy," I say, because her name is Lucy. "Lucy! Look what I've got for you! Right over here by the dryer...'Oh My God! Oh My God!' says Lucy,~Lucy can't really talk ~It's cat food! And, wouldn't you know it, Lucy was just thinking in her tiny little brain, "I could really go for some cat food right about now!"

Oblivious! Ignorant to the motives of her guardians; Uneducated in fields of food acquisition and preparation; Uninformed that the food will be delivered at this same spot, at this same time, every day; Unaware of responsibility and guilt...blissfully ignorant! She doesn't have to worry about a thing. She just naps and gets pet. Then she purrs as she revels in guilt-free nihilism.

I envy cats. They never have to explain why they just took a nap. Plus they can nap anywhere. People even guard the cat's serenity. Often can be heard, "Hon--I don't want to disturb the cat. Will you get the Jagermeister for me?

Oh--so that thing that your ignorant brain couldn't quite grasp? Get this!

I think I am some sort of official trend setter, under secret surveillance by Abercrombie & Fitch.

I realize I'll have to address this further next time. For homework, I'd like everyone to memorize the Preamble to the United States Constitution and recite it at the drive-thru speaker of your favorite fast-food restaurant. Document this moment on video and send the file to me: