Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sometimes I Stutter When I Wr-Wr-Wr-Write

I don't know if you realized...of course you haven't. You were not privy to the pertinent information. From my vantage point, it's quite clear. Although it will be a little difficult for you to digest my verbiage stew. It can be thick and uncompromising. Yet, it is always worth the effort. At least it is for me. And I am pretty awesome.
Luckily, I am user-friendly!!! Show me a user and I'll show you a friend! The moral of this tangent is for you to know that we will get through this. It will be worthwhile. And I am always at your service.

Back to that thing you hadn't yet realized due to your ignorance. And please--do not be offended that I just called you ignorant. Never has a word been treated so unfairly, so unknowingly wrong, than that ignorant little word, "ignorance." If you do not know the actual definition of the word "ignorance," do not lament your ignorance.

In fact, because you are so ignorant, I went ahead and googled, "ignorance definition," just for you. Then I chose the best one I could find, keeping brevity and conciseness in mind. I present to you, from the annals of : "Ignorance - the condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed."

You haven't been taught or experienced a certain, my friend, are an ignorant son-of-a-gun.

The word itself, ignorant, can be said with a sneer and a waggle of the head.The act of speaking such a word, ig*nor*ant, causes one's face to take on a most non-inviting look, much the same way that saying the word, "cheese" causes the face to smile. Its connotation has become pejorative.

Have you ever wondered what it'd be like if you lived with attention deficit disorder? I can tell you one thing, it's about, huh?....what?

Right. Now that we've established that you're an ignoramus...yes, an "ignoramus" is a very ignorant person. Just like you, the ignoramus is ignorant because ignoramus is unaware.

Think--you are at the cabin in the mountains. Hiking and boating. Swimming and fishing. Eating and drinking. Blissfully unaware. You give a mock complaint about the elusive cell phone signal out here in the middle of nowhere. Isolated from modern life. A full ten days you got this year! And the kids are finally old enough to leave them be in good faith that nothing will blow up and no one will die. You return to civilization, relaxed, refreshed, rejuvenated.

You are unaware of what transpired at the office while you were away. The double-cross and power coup slightly overshadowed the love triangle of Executives. Gleefully you stroll into the office. Someone better educate you! So innocent and uninformed---You truly are an ignorant ignoramus.

I pity the ignoramus...

They also say that ignorance is bliss. Although I find it difficult to quantify bliss, I would agree that the less you know about existence, purpose and fantasy football, the more contented your mind would be. For a real life example, we needn't look any further than feline domesticata--the house cat. If you don't have a cat, just use something don't know...a toaster oven.

My cat forgets where her food bowl is every morning. Her food bowl has been in the same spot for three years. The cat is six; so for half of her life, her food bowl has been in the same spot. Nevertheless, I stumble towards the coffee maker and she jumps under foot. "Lucy," I say, because her name is Lucy. "Lucy! Look what I've got for you! Right over here by the dryer...'Oh My God! Oh My God!' says Lucy,~Lucy can't really talk ~It's cat food! And, wouldn't you know it, Lucy was just thinking in her tiny little brain, "I could really go for some cat food right about now!"

Oblivious! Ignorant to the motives of her guardians; Uneducated in fields of food acquisition and preparation; Uninformed that the food will be delivered at this same spot, at this same time, every day; Unaware of responsibility and guilt...blissfully ignorant! She doesn't have to worry about a thing. She just naps and gets pet. Then she purrs as she revels in guilt-free nihilism.

I envy cats. They never have to explain why they just took a nap. Plus they can nap anywhere. People even guard the cat's serenity. Often can be heard, "Hon--I don't want to disturb the cat. Will you get the Jagermeister for me?

Oh--so that thing that your ignorant brain couldn't quite grasp? Get this!

I think I am some sort of official trend setter, under secret surveillance by Abercrombie & Fitch.

I realize I'll have to address this further next time. For homework, I'd like everyone to memorize the Preamble to the United States Constitution and recite it at the drive-thru speaker of your favorite fast-food restaurant. Document this moment on video and send the file to me:


  1. This will undoubtedly continue. Let's consider this "Part I"

  2. Love it! Keep writing :)
    -Your Very Ignorant Sister-in-law