Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This was an attempt to write a funny article about home improvement

I wasn't feeling it--I'd have to start making things up. I was too competent!

                Why pay someone to do what you can do yourself?  The question has become more pertinent given our current state of economy.  Need to change your oil?  Do it yourself!  The lawn needs its annual aeration?  Do it yourself!  Time to clean out the gutters?  Do it yourself!  D…I…Y…
                Recently at Casa de Hirsch, we decided the home needs some improvement.  By “improvement” I mean that a gaping hole in the ceiling needs patching.  I need to “improve” the kitchen floor by changing it from plywood with intermittent bathroom rugs, into an actual finished, splinter-free product.  Thus, I spent some time and money at the local home improvement store.  And by “some” I mean “a ton and a half.”
                The beauty of the Information Age is that there are no more trade secrets.  Anything and everything is just a Google away.  Step-by-step guides and helpful tips are literally at your fingertips.  All I have to do is buy a few tools and follow the instructions.  I can read and I have mastered most of my basic motor skills. No problem.
                In fact, when I asked the home improvement specialist at the local home improvement store if it was worth seeking a professional to get the floor installed properly, he looked at me with a condescending smirk, and assured me that laying vinyl tiles is “easy.”  It was as if I asked if I needed help chewing my food or brushing my hair.
                “Easy.”  If a home improvement specialist tells you something is “easy,” it most likely means that a home improvement specialist with years of experience, the proper tools, and an accessible knowledge base would knock out your entire to-do list, before you figured out the difference between a Phillips head and a jigsaw. (A jigsaw can draw blood quicker.)

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